Let go of past pain they say and your mind will be able to focus on more positive and productive areas. It’s also an important first step to moving on with your life.
Let Go of Past Pain
You don’t need to look far to find advice about why letting go of the past is so useful. However, it’s more important to know how to do it. Most people do eventually come to grips with why only they may get stuck on taking the steps to make it happen in a practical way.
Let’s begin by stating the obvious, which is that everyone makes mistakes – often on a daily basis. Many are trivial and easy to brush off but the sort of mistakes we want to address is the type that people dwell on in what they perceive as hugely significant errors they made in the past.
To a greater or lesser extent, we’ve all done it. It’s those head in the hands moments that make us feel awful. We relive bad experiences over and over, probably feeling worse each time. Maybe it was the way we treated someone, maybe regrets over what we should or should not have done, or maybe it was the way we were treated. Some people reach the point where they obsess about painful experiences. If it does reach that point then it really does make it difficult to move on with life.
Perspectives
You will probably have had some experiences where you’ve embarrassed yourself. To you, it felt awful but had you stepped back a moment and looked around at your friends and family you’d have seen it wasn’t so bad. Step further back and look at other people. Some celebrities and politicians embarrass themselves all the time, yet despite being all over the press and social media, they don’t hide away and they still manage to continue with their lives. Yet there’s nothing special about them. They aren’t Teflon coated but somehow they seem to move on.
But this isn’t about comparing yourself to others, because that’s a path that leads nowhere. I merely use a comparison to point out that a past that’s filled with errors, accidents, upsets and mistakes, should not have the power to define you or shape your future. It’s reasonable however to point out that the only true mistake is not learning from the ones you’ve made previously.
Obviously, we can’t change the past. But, if you are still dwelling on events or experiences from months or years ago, try to write down what happened. It may seem a bit far fetched but the act of writing stuff down can sometimes help you unpack the issues in your mind. Instead of a blur of emotions swirling around in your head, the act of writing requires you to start at the beginning and work through the issue or issues in a logical way. In this way, it can help to determine what to learn and how to avoid similar errors in the future. It can sometimes even reveal that the issue really wasn’t as bad as you originally thought.
Correcting Mistakes
If your mistakes involve others and you wronged them, this is going to be a bit more delicate. You may need to apologise for what you have done and offer to make the situation right somehow. There is no guarantee they will accept your apology or your solution. However, there is only so much you can do. If you are genuinely sorry for the hurt you’ve caused, you’ve tried to express this but they can’t accept it, you simply need to move on. If you feel it’s important, give it some time and see if you can approach them again in the future.
If you know of people who have made similar mistakes to you reach out to them and ask how they handled their mistakes. Also, ask how they overcame them and moved on. These people will be willing to listen and will understand your situation better than anyone else. They may even have resources they can point you to depending on the circumstances. If nothing else, they can be there for you whenever you need to talk.
If you are too hard on yourself about your past, stop. It’s okay to acknowledge that you made some mistakes but don’t get overly critical of them. Life isn’t about beating yourself up with remorse, it’s about doing the right thing in the best way you can, then moving on.
Forgive and Forget
We’ve all heard the term ‘forgive and forget.’ It’s one of those phrases we hear so much that it becomes a bit of a cliche. But that simple phrase has its uses. Forgiving is the first step in moving on, and whilst you may never fully forget the issue or issues that caused you pain, they will become less of a burden over time, and they will come to mind less frequently. Forgiving others, as well as yourself, helps you to move on with your life.
When do you know you’ve truly forgiven someone? Well, just saying the words, ‘I forgive you,’ isn’t enough. If you say you’ve forgiven someone, make sure you don’t bring up the issue over and over again. If you do, then you haven’t truly forgiven. If you can’t forgive, then be honest. Express your need for more time. Tell them you are willing to explore the situation again sometime in the future.
The sad fact is that some people may not be worth the trouble of forgiving and forgetting. If someone you know is not dependable and never was, they are going to continue to let you down. So why go through the trouble of forgiving them, let alone forgetting? You may even still choose to associate with the person but without trusting what they will do. However, this can be emotionally draining for you, and it may be best to sever all ties.
Above all, try to be honest. Don’t fake forgiveness and then go around talking behind that person’s back. If you are hurting because of their actions, and they are asking for forgiveness, be sincere about how you proceed. You may hurt someone’s feelings by stating that you don’t forgive them. But, you will do far worse if you pretend that you have when you haven’t.
Although you may never forget, you will get to the point where it is no longer worth your trouble to worry. It takes energy to focus on the past. Why waste that energy when you can put it to greater use in more positive ways? You’ll feel better, and everyone around you will feel better. The person you are trying to forgive will also benefit.
Unresolved Conflicts
You may have come across a song by Mike and the Mechanics called, In the Living Years, released in 1988. It was such a popular song at the time that it probably became overplayed – such is the fate of popular songs. Yet, as a hit around the world, it clearly made its mark on millions of people. The message of the song is that if we wait until people aren’t around anymore, we won’t be able to tell them what they mean to us. It may mean that we love them, or that just because we don’t see eye-to-eye on everything, it doesn’t mean we hate them. Although the song addresses unresolved conflicts between a son and his deceased father, it’s equally appropriate for any relationship.
Surprisingly, what many people find when they talk things out, is they can’t fully remember what got them upset in the first place. It’s a bit like the way we can listen to someone else unburden themselves and we find ourselves wondering what all the fuss was about. At times, when you and a family member or friend put aside your differences, you may even have a good laugh about how it all came to be. That often happens in these types of situations.
The same situation or event can affect two people in very different ways. Neither may forget what happened but their emotional reactions may be poles apart. Some can talk about things immediately and find ways of moving on. Others need time to process the information and that’s fine so long as they don’t lock them down or begin to ruminate. Memories can distort, magnify and even change over time to the point where they become barely recognisable.
A Conscious Decision
Letting go of the past isn’t always easy. It requires a conscious decision to revisit the experience and the associated pain in order to work with them to find a resolution. We can certainly learn from past experiences in this regard. Anything you’ve tried before and that has succeeded may be worth revisiting.
Getting into the right frame of mind is important. You might want to consider learning meditation. It takes several sessions to get your body and mind in tune with the techniques. Don’t expect fast solutions with this. The key is to keep doing it until you feel the effects. The key is that relaxation allows the mind to relax and to take on board new ideas.
Holding on to resentments simply holds on to the associated pain and so the key takeaway’s from this post are:
- Don’t hide from your past. Pretending certain aspects of your past didn’t happen just causes pain and resentment to bottle up and possibly distort to a point where it is barely recognisable. Acknowledge everything your past but commit to pushing forward.
- Try keeping a journal of your experiences. Be as detailed as possible so you can refer to the journal when faced with similar circumstances in the future.
- Don’t expect all changes to occur immediately. Your past habits may be difficult to break. You may be looking back over decades of memories and associated pain. So don’t try to change everything in one go. There’s no time limit and no average time, so don’t start clock and calendar watching. It will take as long as it takes.
- Remember the good times. Focusing only on your mistakes and past pain can mask the fact that you have had some wonderful experiences too. These are equally important and so try to find the perspective, weigh the good with the bad, and get on with your life whilst doing so.